Worthy Wednesdays Part 1: Won’t You Take This Journey With Me?

I am so excited about today’s post.

For the next 20 weeks {or longer, depending} every Wednesday, I am going to dedicate my posts to finding self worth.

Why, you ask?

Because I don’t have any. And in doing this I hope to learn my value and maybe in the process, that someone might find theirs, too. I will be chronicling every step of my journey, not from a self-help book, but trial and error – seeing what works for me, in a non pity-party way.

So, today is the first Worthy Wednesday post and that being said, I am going to take a journey back to the beginning and I encourage you to as well, if you also deal with low self esteem. Won’t you take this journey with me?

As far back as I can remember, I have always thought about myself in a negative way – I never had anything funny or important to say, and I have never been “cool”. Just an awkward person wanting to be loved and cherished. There wasn’t anything to compliment about me, and I was just kind of there. As a little girl, I wasn’t carefree. I worried about everything. I still had a great childhood, with fond memories and a wonderful family.

This heavy anxiety that weighed on me traveled with me to my teens, where it began to really take it’s toll. It started out in middle school with small things, like tweezing my eyebrows, which then evolved into an obsession that went from something innocent to something destructive like pulling out my hair, strand by strand. When I was 12, I had 2 bald spots. I have a lot of hair, and was pulling out the hair underneath, so not a lot of people noticed.

This path of despair quickly turned into Body Dysmorphic Disorder when I was in High School. I began picking at my face, seeing little blemishes that no one else could see. I never had acne, but I saw imperfections that I thought were not suitable, and I could not accept them. I desperately wanted to be perfect.

When I was a sophomore in High School, these small things exploded into full blown anorexia. Being only 14, I was still growing, but this stunted things quickly. At around 5 foot 2, I weighed near 80 pounds, and my period disappeared for a long time, even after gaining back weight. My doctor put me on antidepressants, which I continued to take for 5  moreyears.

I struggled with anorexia for 2 years, and to this day don’t feel as if I’m completely healed. I’ve tried to go back to not eating more times than I care to remember, even as recent as a few weeks ago. It’s almost like a comfort. I don’t have to worry or focus on anything other than what I’m putting into my mouth. The world seems like it’s fuzzy, and I only have to think about one moment at a time.

Even though I still deal with that on a daily basis, every meal literally being a battle in my mind, it’s no longer a threat to my life. Now, my low self worth isn’t such a physical thing, but dark, demonic thoughts. I look at myself as if I am a monster – I constantly tell my husband that I’m a terrible, disgusting person for no apparent reason. I look at myself and think I’m just pathetic, having nothing to offer to anyone.

I have decided I hate living like that. I am a person, with thoughts and feelings and valid emotions. I deserve love and I DO have something to offer, even if I don’t know what that is, I will find it through this quest. I’m determined.

I don’t know the reason behind my lack of self worth, and I don’t really care to find out – just to fix the problem. I do often make excuses that it stems from Middle-Child Syndrome. I still sort of believe that, but I’m taking things into my own hands and making the choice to change that.

So thank you for letting me be as raw as I have been, and for not judging me. This is a place for me to figure out myself, and a place free of judgement, mean thoughts and bullies. I hope not only myself, but maybe someone else out there will benefit from this and know that they are loved beyond comprehension by someone.

“We cannot think of being acceptable to others until we have first proven acceptable to ourselves.” – Malcolm X

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7 thoughts on “Worthy Wednesdays Part 1: Won’t You Take This Journey With Me?

  1. The symptoms you describe are all compulsive behaviors and are related to processes in the brain related to OCD. As one neuroscientist described it (whose name I can’t recall), your brain may just be exceptionally good at noticing errors. Is it possible you feel ashamed of having a weird little quirk of the brain that isn’t your fault any more than ADHD is? And that it’s affected how you see yourself because you are so able to see all of the shortcomings you have that most people just don’t notice?

    • I definitely agree it could be OCD – I’ve pondered that thought before. Either way, I just hope to change my life and deal with issues, and that other people might want to take a step forward in discovering themselves in the process. Thank you!

      • I’m not an expert by any means, but compulsive behaviors like trichotillomania (hair-pulling) and anorexia aren’t actually the same as OCD, which involves using rituals to manage obsessions, but they do seem to be related. My niece, now five, pulls her hair, and I have my own small compulsions (skin picking and counting). Have you consulted a psychiatrist?

  2. you are such an incredibly beautiful, strong and courageous person for sharing this. Simply by stumbling upon this, you have reminded me to love others unconditionally and reserve any judgments that can feel harmless in the moment.

  3. Pingback: Uplifting in Discouragement Part 3: Final | SavannahSays

  4. Pingback: A Surprising Intervention | SavannahSays

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